Note to myself of the changes in my thoughts over the years
Or something like that.
PS. I’m not sure if I’m putting this feeling across properly. I think my English deteriorated over the long break after the As. Fml.
I think my perception of ‘being the best’ has changed. Not for the better, neither for the worse. It simply changed while I wasn’t looking. Weirdness, haha.
Used to be very adverse to the idea of ‘being the best’. Not worth the effort, for one. I’m slothful, I know. But more than that, doesn’t best imply being better? I really dislike concepts that have this tone of comparison. I rather not have to feel any sense of competition with others. Good is good enough, for me.
But now my perception’s changed. Best it may still be, but it no longer contains that domineering tone. For me at least.
I was chatting to my lab mates about aiming for first class honours (crazy, I know). I got…a rather negative reaction for being quite adamant about striving for it, hahaa. ‘Cos I kept asking them why they didn’t want to set their targets higher. After all, we enter university for that slip of paper no? Might as well get a mighty fine piece of paper then, lol. Anyway, one reply I received was “if everyone is as competitive as you, we’ll all be climbing over each other to get to the top” or something to that effect. Mentions of backstabbing and reluctance to help fellow course-mates included.
I understand their point of view, but I don’t agree with it. I used to, but not anymore. I think, I want to be the best. But to do it without viewing others as obstacles to my goal. It may be a competition, but I’m the only one participating, really.
The way I see it now, it’s quite the prideful point of view really.
If I’m truly good enough, it doesn’t matter how others fare. My worth is not relative.
Not to strive to be best that I can be; that’d be too stressful. And if you’ve reached the top, what else is there left to do?
What I’m looking at is something more like… I want to be such that the future me will not be ashamed to say ‘ah, I was that person’. No regrets. To live as I would. For me, this is the ‘best’; to be sure that I am able to proudly acknowledge myself in the future.
I want to try hard, for myself.
The reality you wanted?